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Finally I came up with something. Dave and Simone on holiday in Madrid.

Not that the background is needed but it's sometime in 1926 or 1927, they normally are found in Paris. Dave is a soldier turned writer (terrible soldier, evidentally a good writer. I think he's better than I am.) Simone is half Spanish and otherwise a bombshell of awesome. Back in the 20s particularly in europe getting married meant giving your man control of all your stuff and your life decisions. Simone things that sucks. Dave doesn't really want any of that, he's just a hopeless romantic.

All of the places described really do exist. If you look hard enough, you may even find them.

mot juste is the modernist concept of 'one word is the best and most appropriate word' for a thing.

and of course, it's Dave, so you know he totally made a Casque of Amontillado joke.

Written (mostly) under a chestnut tree.

Crit for tWR: [link]

Crit Questions:
:bulletpurple: O please tell me there are no more typos. I think I got them all out but I'm having trouble proofreading today, so let me know if you see anything.
:bulletorange: Does the story flow well enough and give you enough to go on without knowing the info in the artist's comment?
:bulletblue: Anything that stands out as clunky or weird? It's a first draft so fire away.

Dave, Simone (c) Yo
selection of sherry drinks (c) La Venecia
chestnut trees (c) Madrid City Planning
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   General Artist
Congratulations on another well-deserved DLD, you lovely, lovely lady! :tighthug:
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Professional Writer
:glomp:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012   General Artist
:iconlovehugplz:
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012   Writer
Congratulations on the DLD. What a surprise, eh?
I like this very much and think it has enough 'lit crit' already. I can't add a word except-> thank you.
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Professional Writer
It was a bit of a surprise, chiefly because I'm not precisely happy with this. I would welcome more lit crit. I cleaned up the language in it a bit but really I feel like something is missing or that I need to expand or characterize them both a little more.

The trouble is I just finished a novel about these two so I'm not sure what there is to say about them that I didn't say there... I just don't feel like it stands alone without the novel backing it up :/
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012   Writer
I wonder if it's the novel you wrote about them that makes you feel this piece is somehow incomplete.

But I'll return with lit crit soon[ish].

By the way, you can hide the first two 'comments' I made about a feature I began today.

It's really featured here [link]

If you don't want to hide them, I understand. Lotsa' folks don't do that, and I don't mind looking a bit silly.
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Professional Writer
Done and done! thanks so much :heart:
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012   Writer
:iconyourewelcomesignplz:
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: [link]

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Professional Writer
:heart: Thank you thank you!!
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:iconholymaiden:
HolyMaiden Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It had a strong fairy tale feeling to it. It was magical, in a way. :)
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you very much. It was a magical time of year, here. I thought it deserved a story.
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:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2012  Student Writer
I love this. :heart: It's exactly the story that ended up being my last nanowrimo novel but it's an absolutely gorgeous short that has great character in the dialogue. Wonderful job!
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Professional Writer
:heart: Awesome, great to know! And hey - great minds think alike? :D
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:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012  Student Writer
:giggle: Indeed.
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:iconhyperfluxy:
hyperfluxy Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012   Writer
This is wonderful, and it makes me feel like I am there and that is brilliant. You took something that could have easily been sappy and turned it into something purely touching. Very, very well done.
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you so much, this was a great piece of feedback to receive. I always ride a line with any romantic stuff I write, hoping I'm not pushing it into the realm of sap. I feel like love and courting are two things that are very easily turned cliche, just due to how much they're talked about (and so subsequently become overused).
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:iconhyperfluxy:
hyperfluxy Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2012   Writer
You certainly aren't, its very well done. Keep at it! :)
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner May 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I truly love this piece. Dave's voice is so strong; every sentence feels like a complete characterization. I also love the Simone/fox metaphor. Have to admit, my first thought was of "The Little Prince"--the bit about taming the fox just by sitting near its burrow every day at the same time. Which I suppose works here, too. Simone strikes me as both being 'fox-like' and 'foxy'. I think the whole thing's just perfect. :)
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner May 24, 2012  Professional Writer
Oh, thank you so much. I adore Dave's voice. I could listen to him read a phonebook. Also, I love the little prince but I hadn't been thinking of it at the time. I wrote a whole book about these two, hopefully it's as catching as the short.

And thanks for the fav! :heart:
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:iconanapests-and-ink:
anapests-and-ink Featured By Owner May 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I would love to read it.
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner May 29, 2012  Professional Writer
Let's cross our fingers that someday it'll be out in print and you can!
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:iconclassically-depunk:
Classically-DePunk Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This really tantalizes the senses reading such crisply vivid descriptions of Simone and the surroundings. It appeared implied that Simone's charm holds sway of the surroundings, or rather, it is like they are part of her composed personality.
Given how Dave is poetic, he views her with an almost Dante-esque admiration, like a distantly sublime object admired but never quite obtained into his own life/hands. the natural beauty they are in, Simone seems to compliment it with herself.
As Dave focuses on his affections, his pursuit to be connected more solidly with Simone, and he seems to eluded by her allure; like she's wandering off from him and he cannot keep pursuing her. Like a man after a spirit of some sorts that keeps beckoning him.

Simone is like a fox. Elusive, and can outwit most, but those she can't she leads on and on in many directions, even she herself may not see the final direction to go on with.

The imagery is vivid, I can even smell and hear the cold water and swishing of fishes.
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner May 22, 2012  Professional Writer
Thanks. I had a hard time putting as much of Simone as I wanted into this but.. .well she's extra prevalent in the book so that counts for something. The environment is so beautiful here in the late spring, particularly at night. I was in and around the estanque when I wrote it, and there is one white fish in there that I see now and again...
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:iconclassically-depunk:
Classically-DePunk Featured By Owner May 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Simone, I think with the progress of the chapters, will grown more prominent in description.
From your description, it must be heavenly. I can even sense the scents from there in your writing.
Ah, I love to stare at brightly colored fishes in fountains and ponds, so your writing on the fish gave such a vivid sense.
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner May 21, 2012
But that is my imagination running away with me again
I think you can strike this, it doesn't really add anything to the sentence.

the center country, tucked neatly away
"Neatly" sounds a bit out of place with the description that follows, especially when it says that it is "rough cut and forged in heat": it just doesn't ring like something you'd call neat.

I wonder if she pulls away hers does as well
because hers does as well?

Desperately, I want to keep this connection
Here, have some adverb poison, just a little bit.

I heartily dig the fox metaphor too. And Dave playing the little conversation of quiet heartache in his mind, because that's how writers roll when they're lost for the things they (are supposed to) master.
Now, having read the whole novel, I know a lot about Simone already, but I think elaborating a bit more on her in this short might be very helpful for readers who don't know the rest of the story. Perhaps expanding on her painting career, or showing more of how she acts in Spain - fox in its natural environment sort of thing?

Said natural environment, by the way, is very beautiful. The descriptions of Madrid do have some vaguely magic quality to them, enhanced by the fact it's just Simone and Dave and no one else, not even a waiter or a barman: at first I thought it was a bit off, but by the end of the story, I had changed my mind and maintain it keeps the focus on the two of them a lot better than more dialogue and unnecessary interactions.

And, cask of amontillado joke is :giggle: But yeah Dave, don't you let a woman who get that joke slip away from you! It may be difficult to find another and such a pretty one for that matter...
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner May 21, 2012  Professional Writer
wheeee! thank you for the crit. I actually saw and corrected the because she does before i saw the comment. I dunno man I ran over this thing 7 times and still I find shit I should have fixed! Bad editing day. But that's why I have yooooo my baby :heart:

You're right, neatly and desperately are out of sense/not needed both.

Oooh, i'm glad the foxy metaphor works. And you know I was thinking the same thing about just a little more Simone in there besides what Dave things, give it a little more bulk. I'll play wit it, but thank you for confirming that.

Also, Madrid at twilight is... well, magical. And you really can just go around the city with a loved one and not even feel the other people all around you.

Lol yeah, Poe jokes for the win. She's a keeper, Dave.
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner May 21, 2012
Talk about bad editing days. Everyday for me is bad editing day, eeeeeh. (You can guess that I've been tinkering with early novel chapters: dear God, AHHHHRGH MY EYES!)

Moar Simone plz yesh. Character development aside, you can never get enough of a mystery bombshell with a fox spirit. I bet Dave will be happy too.
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner May 21, 2012  Professional Writer
Tried putting more of her in there. Is it enough or is it not working?
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner May 21, 2012
Much better. That little part about the predators in Paris even strengthens the metaphor, yay!

Only one further thing to nit-pick at:
We dance a few steps but I'm right and I'm horrible at it. Poor clumsy oaf, but she has worlds of patience with me.
This line sounds repetitive: you could break it so that it avoids the double "but".
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner May 21, 2012  Professional Writer
rock on, thank you. :heart: :heart: :heart:
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:iconoboe-wan:
oboe-wan Featured By Owner May 21, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh Dave Miller, you are so darn smitten. It is adorable. I love how much he plainly adores Simone, even though she mystifies him. You really captured a sense of selfless devotion. It's also lovely how he has this sense of wonderment at everything - from the beautiful descriptions of the sky and the fish in the pool, to his whole dynamic with Simone. He's just such an admirer of beauty, it makes him an excellent narrator. I love his tone - I've really missed it! Simone is right, he has a wonderful way with words. I love the fox metaphor, it works so well for wily, graceful Simone (and it makes me wonder if Dave knows about the Japanese folktales about men who marry kitsune disguised as women - I think he'd be amused!).

Beautiful work. It's lovely to see one of your former doughboys actually healing, not just carrying his scars.
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner May 21, 2012  Professional Writer
ohhh I knooooow right? My only concern is that we don't see enough of her doing as she does to explain why he's so in love with her but i might add that in later. And yea I know what you mean about him just... wondering at everything. I'm so glad he wasn't in the war long enough to get too messed up. Unlike some people.

:heart: fox metaphor, I'm so glad it worked!
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