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February 1, 2011
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"Oh, unquestionably," Mathieu said, "unquestionably. She's beautiful." And for once his eyes lingered on something long enough to truly take it in before returning to the blue canvas-bound volume of Keats dangling idly from his left hand. "Not my type, though."

The three of them sat around the plaza, three green uniforms idle in the middle of the flow of Paris life. With drill over, they had grown bored of the barracks gone into town where they settled in to watch the lives of unfamiliar people with their unfamiliar patterns unfold in front of them. Marc, who wasn't listening to his friends any longer, was watching one in particular.

"Hell if you even know your type," said Lucky.

Mat shrugged.

She was Marc's type. Up til now Marc hadn't even had a type, didn't know what it was. But just now, he knew he was looking at it.  Slender hands and a waist that sloped and rounded out in the hips, blue ruffles and a high-waist skirt, hair like darkwood; black but catching strains of mahogany in the sun, like the color of some well crafted string instrument. That was his type, right there.

"Don't just stand there mooning," Lucky said. "Go talk to her."

"No."

"Go talk to her!"

"…no."

"Chicken."

Marc watched her walk across the plaza and get in line at the baker's counter. Her thin fingers lifted her skirts and swished them away from a puddle, and she clacked a dainty little walking boot off the flagstone. You couldn't just go talk to a girl like that. She probably had a boyfriend. He bet she did.

Lucky socked him in the arm. "C'mon, Romeo, what are you waiting for? She's gonna get away."

"He's right, you know," said Mathieu with a casual wave of the hand not occupied by his book. "Faint heart never won fair lady."

"What he said."

Marc opened his mouth to protest but it was dry and the words stuck.

"If you don't go over there," Lucky grinned like a brown-eyed cat, "I will."

So Marc straightened with a little scowl that was meant to put his friend in his place, squared his shoulders, and marched across the plaza.

By the time he got to the fountain he started to drag his steps, wandered off his straight line as his resolve began to shrivel up. She was paying the baker with a few silver coins and she smiled, just a little, just with the lips. He hadn't a clue what he was going to say. Then, he thought, what if she didn't let him say anything? What if she didn't even give him the time of day?

But then she turned with her baguette in her little woven basket, and started walking away towards the park. He panicked. Hanging along the wall, he tried to follow her by pushing a few people gently out of the way. As he passed a window box he grabbed the necks of a few unsuspecting, pink gerber daisies and pulled them out by the roots.
Before he knew it he was jogging. Then suddenly, he was right behind her.

"Excuse me. Hey… excuse me, Miss?"

She turned around and looked up at him, tilting her head ever so slightly to the side and he stopped right where he was.

Her eyes were china blue, deep, and almost the color of her dress. The whole of her seemed like a beautiful, delicate, priceless thing, with a little halo of afternoon sun lighting the dark brown strands in her hair. It was a good few moments before he realized he was holding his breath.

He also realized then that he didn't speak any French.

So he stood, holding his breath, staring at the tiny porcelain colored girl with her soft skin and her long, darkwood hair and he thought to himself how badly he wanted to touch her, because he was sure he had never in his life seen anything so soft, and she stared back, waiting. He handed her the gerber daisies. Two clumps of dirt fell off the roots and broke on the toe of her shoe.

"Ah… I… I, je vous… veux me prends …le café?"

She looked down at the flowers clamped tight in his fist, with the roots hanging pathetically out at the bottom.

"…you pull this from a window box?" she asked.

He blinked. "You speak English?"

"A little." She drew her eyebrows together and they puckered in the middle. She looked as though she was sorting out a complicated math problem.

Across the plaza Marc could see Lucky and Mathieu grinning at his expense. He felt his face burn. He looked back to her.

"…what did I just ask you?"

"If I… take away your… coffee?" Her eyebrows knit further.

"Oh. No. I, I wanted to know if you like coffee. Or wanted to get coffee." He shifted from one foot to another. "With me."

Then, she smiled at him, but with her eyes too. A real smile. Not like the one for the baker. She put her little hand over his and gently pried the gerber daisies from him, and tucked them neatly into her basket. "I like that," she said. And then she put his arm through his.

With his face flushed Marc looked from her across the plaza to his friends. Mathieu nodded with a lopsided smile. Lucky gave him an enthusiastic two thumbs up.

"Where you would like to go?" she asked.

"Uh… where's good?"

Gesturing with the basket to the small side street they were facing, she pointed at a café.

Oh.

"Yeah, that's…" he looked down at her and caught a glimpse of those china blue eyes from underneath her dark, dark eyelashes. "What's your name?"

"Colette."

"Colette," he said, trying the word on his tongue. It felt just right. "I'm Marc." He put a hand over hers, the one on his arm. "It's nice to meet you, Colette."
:icondoughboycafe:
It's Paris, July 6th, 1917.

I wanted to do a little scene after talking with :iconrevolveroftheloom:, about how Marc and Colette meet, since I seem to be on a kick with them lately, and Marc's total lack of woman seducing skillz is completely adorable. So here it is.


Those poor gerber daisies didn't know what hit them.

- Some edits were made on 29/1/12 thanks to all the great feedback I got from users, particularly tWR! -

For tWR: [link]

Allllso: ok so this is just a little vingette, so I don't really expect that people might not know what is going on in it. It was only a writing exercise, it might become part of something larger, it might not. The point is, for those not already familiar with the characters, Marc & Friends are American soldiers who just arrived in Paris in 1917.


As for Crit stuff:

:bulletblue: please check my flow, tell me what you liked or what didn't work.
:bulletblue: I'm trying to decide if I should expand this or leave it as is and just say 'well, that was a darn good exercise.' Do you think I should continue or is it the length it needs to be?
:bulletblue: none of the information in the 'artists description' is actually in the text. Is it easy enough to follow without knowing the exact time and place? Does it matter? Or should I find a way to incorporate the fact that its WWI in Paris to give it context?

Marc, Li, and all stuff (c) :icondoughboycafe:
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:iconboogieman900:
Overall this is a well written piece, and it flows quite well. My main problem I find though is that, there feels like there is no setting. You mentioned 1917 Paris, during WWI but all I got from it was Paris, and only realised what the Green Uniforms meant after reading the description.

You could well expand on this story and look at the aspects of foreign relationships and the strains they put on the couples during the war, but also how being in such a fragile society at the time brought them closer together. Those are just some small ideas I came up just now though. Overall I enjoyed the piece and would love to see it further developed.
What do you think?
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:iconhillsofmyst:
=HillsOfMyst Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your fantastic work has been featured here!
I'd really appreciate it if you could give some love to the other features and :+fav: the journal! :heart:
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
=doughboycafe Dec 22, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconjoeyliverwurst:
=JoeyLiverwurst Feb 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"Is it easy enough to follow without knowing the exact time and place? Does it matter?"

I got the sense right away it was in Europe, past tense, but I wasn't sure beyond that and don't think it mattered. I wasn't familiar with the characters, either, but it hooked me around the broken French. I've been in that position myself, even if it didn't involve asking anyone out.
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:icondoughboycafe:
=doughboycafe Feb 27, 2012  Professional Writer
ok, thank you very much for reading, and for the feedback! Good to know I can leave it as is - I didn't really have a good idea where to fit in any more paragraphs!
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:iconjoeyliverwurst:
=JoeyLiverwurst Feb 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Sometimes there's no way to force in more without breaking the rhythm. Not the best way to put it, but you get the idea. ;)
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:iconxlntwtch:
*xlntwtch Jan 12, 2012   Writer
Too many typos! Alerts on "...I glanded up..." (lol) meant "...I glanced up..." and several more. Sorry! I often leave typos in comments and try to fix them later. I hope context helps you now. :icondownarrowplz:
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:icondoughboycafe:
=doughboycafe Jan 12, 2012  Professional Writer
lol. Gland up certainly is an interesting verb!
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:iconxlntwtch:
*xlntwtch Jan 13, 2012   Writer
Made me laugh, too!
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:iconxlntwtch:
*xlntwtch Jan 12, 2012   Writer
lol..you're the 'user' who "owns" these characters, right? [oops]... full crit below ... :icondownarrowplz:
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:iconxlntwtch:
*xlntwtch Jan 12, 2012   Writer
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

As always, what I write are my opinions and yours to use or discard as you see fit.

1. The flow of the story is good. I could tell it was a "period piece" as soon as your described the girl's dress (though suspicions about that began with the character's out-of-date names, and the book by Keats, new), plus the fact the girl "walks across a plaza to stand in line at the baker's" - that sets up an earlier time-frame, too. There's no confusion about that. My only confusion was the sudden intro to Marc, who I had no idea was there with Mat and Lucky. Since Mathieu and Marc are vaguely similar, I know I glanded up again to be sure who was talking...if Marc really was a third young man. Perhaps a word or two about how there are three men would be good.

2. I'm interested in reading more, but I haven't read any other pieces you might have about these characters, who you attribute to another person here. I always say - if you want to write more - if you have more to say on this subject - please do so. This was more interesting than a simple "exercise" and that leaves it up to you whether you want continue it or not. I hope you do.

3. I think this is too short to do much more than inform readers that there are no cars, the setting is in France, Marc's language is English and Colette's French, with her being the one at home, the one who goes to the baker and the one who knows a good cafe nearby. You established all that already. To say it's WWI as well will need a couple more paragraphs, or at least another bit of haulting converstion, unless the Americans soldiers "self-identify" in an interesting way themselves - a bit more tricky to do and keep the piece casual and touched with romance.

A good job, all the way 'round. I'd give it a 4.5 out of 5 best-rating, if I had to, or made a habit of doing that. I don't. I really shouldn't here, but it seems a good way to wrap up this short critique. Oh, and thank you. It's a :+fav:
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