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August 13, 2012
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ok, a little short i pumped out for the :iconwriters-workshop: 'Unreliable Narrator' workshop. I think I was supposed to do a character sketch, but oops, all this spilled out. Pretty much came from listening to Emmy Lou Harris. If you haven't heard '1917', it is worth youtubing.

I have a very clear idea of Emilie and what's happening with her, but I'm interested to see what you think is happening with her.

Crit for tWR: fav.me/d577vic

So, Crit Questions:
:bulletpink: What do you think is the deal with Emilie?
:bulletpink: What did you feel happened at the end there?
:bulletpink: does this fit your description of an unreliable narrator, why or why not?
:bulletpink: grammar shiz: Anything off, clunky, or grammatically incorrect?

Big ups to :iconoboe-wan: for helping me slug through this one.

EDIT: June 2012, made some edits, retooled the beginning, or rather, rearranged things. Hopefully cleaned up the punctuation but I probably need a little more help with that.
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2014-07-28
And Here Is John by doughboycafe is, in the suggester's words, "a useful reminder that wars aren't just all about men and trenches" on the 100th anniversary of the First World War. ( Suggested by VFreie and Featured by neurotype )
:icond-e-l-e-t-e-d:
d-e-l-e-t-e-d Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Fuck, that was lovely.
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2014  Professional Writer
Thank you, and also for the feature. I appreciate it a lot.
Reply
:icond-e-l-e-t-e-d:
d-e-l-e-t-e-d Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome! :glomp:
Reply
:iconguineveretogwen:
GuinevereToGwen Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014  Student Writer
Wonderful! I enjoyed this quite a bit. The character development is great. You did a fantastic job of telling us about the characters without making it seem obvious. It was all very subtle and simple. Also, I love your writing style. You have a way of incorporating beautiful imagery in such a natural way.
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:iconmeggie272:
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
oh, this is so lovely. I am always so happy to read a female perspective on war. I love Emilie, she is bright and sad and tired and you wrote her so well. The ending, the way it turns our concept of her and John as an established couple on its head, and the way it subtly unfolds the idea that she is compelled to love all these broken boys and listen to their horror stories, and that to her they are almost all the same man, so brilliantly accomplished. Augh. I'm glad I read this. 
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2014  Professional Writer
Wow, you really nailed the whole thing on the head. I love it when people see right to the heart of this story, and also people that attach to Emilie. Thanks for the great feedback.
Reply
:iconmeggie272:
Meggie272 Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Any time!
Reply
:iconvertfey:
VertFey Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014
This so deserved a daily deviation Congratulations.
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
Thanks :D
Reply
:iconsimplysilent:
SimplySilent Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014
I rarely read literature on DA, but I'm glad I gave this one a try! Wonderful story that gets right to the feels. 
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
Glad you gave this one a try as well!
Reply
:iconsaltwaterlungs:
saltwaterlungs Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
My heart is aching. Thank you so much for this piece. It reminds us that war is not just about guns and deaths and valiance and right versus wrong, it reminds us it is about people.
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
Thank you for reading it and for getting it.
Reply
:iconsaltwaterlungs:
saltwaterlungs Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure!
Reply
:iconcristinewakesuphappy:
cristinewakesuphappy Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:iconcongratsdd1plz::iconcongratsdd2plz::iconcongratsdd3plz:
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
:la:
Reply
:icondreameroftheblue:
dreameroftheblue Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I had nooo idea what I was getting into once I started reading but now my heart aches and there are tears in my eyes thank you :iconlazycryplz:
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Professional Writer
This might make me sound like an asshole, but good, that is the reaction I wanted. Some things are worth crying over.
Reply
:icondreameroftheblue:
dreameroftheblue Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
oh jiss that's a very good thing YOU DEFINITELY ACHIEVED YOUR GOAL mAN :crying:
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
jade-pandora Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014
:clap: Congratulations for receiving a DD feature for your wonderful piece.
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:iconmeiyue:
meiyue Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Student General Artist
Congratulations on the DD! :love: 

Have a nice day :iconlainloveplz:
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
thanks!
Reply
:iconmeiyue:
meiyue Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Student General Artist
Welcome! :love:
Reply
:icongreeneyedleopard:
Greeneyedleopard Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Wow! This is a wonderful short story! I thoroughly enjoyed it and the ending was thought-provoking. :)
As for the grammar, I thought that is was perfectly fine- for the English. The French is a little off. This phrase 'Par-ley vous Anglais?' is not completely correct. It should be 'Parlez vous anglais?'. There is no hyphen and 'anglais' is not capitalized. This is just if you'd like to change it :3
All in all, this is a well-written story. Congrats on the Daily Deviation! : D
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
woops. I was kinda trying to write it as a very pronounced american accent of a guy trying to speak french that really doesn't actually speak french. not sure if that comes across, though, now.
Reply
:icongreeneyedleopard:
Greeneyedleopard Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh...I feel very stupid now. I understand what you mean! :) Sorry about that ^^;
Reply
:iconclassically-depunk:
Classically-DePunk Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats to you, DBC!
Your certainly deserves recognition, and this is absolutely great!
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
:D
Reply
:iconclassically-depunk:
Classically-DePunk Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
When I can gather some time, would you allow me to post a commentary of this work for you?
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
it's a free country man, you never have to ask my permission :) Whenever you like.
Reply
:iconclassically-depunk:
Classically-DePunk Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks, DBC! When I can get my hands on some decent time, I'll post the commentary. Is it all right to post as a critique?
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Professional Writer
Sure as you like. If you use the critique function tho it will probably get shunted to the endand no one will see it but me :/
Reply
:iconclassically-depunk:
Classically-DePunk Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That's perfect! I would like to review and comment on it, so thanks, DBC!
Reply
:iconundauntedifly:
undauntedifly Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Student Writer
This made me tear up. Perfect. Its perfect.
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
I'm glad it did. Thanks for the comment!
Reply
:iconagonizingswordfish:
AgonizingSwordfish Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer

Congratulations on the DD! :hug:

Reply
:iconlady-yume:
Lady-Yume Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014   Writer
Sincerely, my warmest of compliments for writing such a striking piece of literature! A DD very well deserved :clap:

:heart:
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
thank you very much!
Reply
:iconoomizo:
Oomizo Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014
Wow really catching piece. Didn't see anything off with your grammar, quite the opposite! "Love is such a simple gift, how can I not give it?" such a beautiful sentence! Congrats on the DD!
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Professional Writer
Thanks very much!
Reply
:iconhopeburnsblue:
hopeburnsblue Featured By Owner Edited Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, this is incredible. I love that it's all about cycles: of love, of hurt, of humanity. I just adore it.

Congrats on the DD, as well!
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Professional Writer
Thank you very much. I like playing with the idea of cycles and I think this was one of my better attempts to write one.
Reply
:iconasjjohnson:
AsjJohnson Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
wow... For the longest time, I thought it was about a girl with a soldier boyfriend. And then I find out that she imagines that each time she meets someone. Though, I did kind'a feel John's and her comments about her earrings/eyes was a little odd, in that he would've seen the earrings often (or at least that she should know that he thought they were pretty, since he bought them), and that she seemed a little too new to him saying he meant her eyes if he says that all the time. I kind'a wonder if she sees a different boy every night or if it's more sparse than that. Because she really should eat more, and it's not good to worry so much. If this cycle is always that quick to start over, then she's probably killing herself. So... when she first met Sam, I wondered if she was going to cheat on John or mention she has a boyfriend or what, but then when things started repeating, I felt she's... for hire, and does that for a living. She tells herself that each guy is her boyfriend to help herself play the part, and she also knows what these men go through and feels they need someone to make them feel loved. Hmm... I suppose it's possible that she did have a boyfriend, who had died during the war, and she kind'a grives about him during the times that she's quite emotional about these guys. But it's not a thought I'd had while reading it. Just being around these guys so often, and them telling her stories about what they see, might be enough for her to behave the way she does.
Hmm... I guess she's an unreliable narrator. She decieved me while decieving herself. Though, I'm not really sure, since I thought a lot of unreliable narrators give themselves away as unreliable from the start and nothing really tipped me off not to believe her.
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
AAH
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Professional Writer
AAH.
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
WAH.
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
I’m very happy for you!!! :iconloveloveplz: :tighthug:
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